


where we can talk like there's something to say

by flutter2deceive



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: (minor gun violence is in the last chapter based on the episode Rampage), 2020 ER Gift Exchange, Coming Out, F/F, Gun Violence, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:41:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flutter2deceive/pseuds/flutter2deceive
Summary: "Neither woman had ever been much for sharing their emotions, so it came as quite a surprise that they found themselves slowly opening up to each other. It was mostly superficial at first, compared to how deep each of their respective wells ran, but they were slowly starting to steer more comfortably into personal territory.Still, if you had told Abby a couple months ago that she would be curled up on Dr. Weaver’s couch, in the house that they shared, spilling her feelings to someone who truly cared… she would have been the first one to page Psych for a consult. And if you had told Kerry the same thing… well, she wouldn’t have found it nearly as odd, but her instincts would have probably still told her to page Psych. You know, just to be safe, that’s all. No other real reason."//A rewrite of ER Season 7 where Kerry has someone she can actually talk to//
Relationships: Abby Lockhart/Kerry Weaver
Comments: 25
Kudos: 21





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like "Finally" by CeCe Peniston should be playing in the background as I hit post on this. It ended up taking on a mind of its own since the time I wrote the first draft, and it now stands roughly 12 times longer than anything I've written since high school (wtf?? lol)
> 
> I had such a wonderful time creating this world as a gift for tumblr user @kerrysweaver as a part of the #2020ERGiftExchange, and I am so very happy that @laurainnes gifted *me* with the opportunity to write one of my favorite pairings of all time.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!

_November 12, 2000_

Abby closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the couch. It had been a long shift and she just wanted to fall asleep but having tossed and turned for the last forty minutes with no luck, she had hauled herself up the stairs and made herself at home on the living room couch. The space was offered to her, after all, as a shared part of the house— she shouldn’t feel relegated to the basement, especially when she was there by herself. But she still felt a little as though she were trespassing, tiptoeing somewhere she didn’t fully belong. Kerry had been quick in laying down the ground rules of what was and wasn’t off-limits, and though those boundaries had begun to blur, Abby still couldn’t fully shake the feeling.

She was just starting to launch herself out of the cushions she’d sunk into when she heard a key in the door. Tipping her head back further, she watched as Kerry pushed open the door while rifling through a stack of mail. Abby slowly turned her body on the couch and followed Kerry’s movement through to the desk, and further into the kitchen. She didn’t want to startle the woman— or to be caught silently watching her— so she closed her eyes again and pretended to be asleep.

Kerry set her purse down on the kitchen island and moved to the sink to fill a glass of water. It had been a long shift for her, as well, and she was happy to be back in the warmth of her home. When she was the sole occupant of the house, on nights like this, she would usually put on some records and let the music relax her into forgetting about the stress of her day. But she currently had a tenant she had to consider – well, not really a tenant. Abby had grown into something more of a housemate over the past month. In fact, she wouldn’t mind engaging the younger woman in a breakdown of her day, if she happened to still be awake after her shift had ended a few hours earlier.

Turning toward the basement door, Kerry debated for a moment and then talked herself out of going down there. She took her glass of water and walked toward the living room, only noticing once she had entered the room that the woman in question was curled up into the corner of her couch. After a slight start, Kerry settled as she watched Abby’s chest move up and down as she slept. She moved across the room to the chair on the opposite side, grabbing the blanket draped over the back and turning to settle it over the other woman.

Abby, who had been listening to Kerry’s quiet movements, felt guilty about potentially forcing her out of her own living room. As she felt Kerry tucking a blanket around her shoulders, she smacked her lips and feigned a yawn, fluttering her eyes open and meeting Kerry’s. “Hey,” she whispered, thankful that the slight smoker’s gravel to her voice mimicked that of having just awoken.

Kerry smiled warmly and matched Abby’s whisper with a soft one of her own. “I’d say good morning, but it’s very much night. Have you been home long?”

“Couple hours.” Abby stretched her neck from side to side and yawned again. “Couldn’t fall asleep downstairs. Sorry.”

Kerry perched on the edge of the coffee table, fingers playing with the frayed end of the blanket that hung off Abby’s legs. “No need to apologize. Do you want to talk about it?”

That had become a frequent offering as of late. Neither woman had ever been much for sharing their emotions, so it came as quite a surprise that they found themselves slowly opening up to each other. It was mostly superficial at first, compared to how deep each of their respective wells ran, but they were slowly starting to steer more comfortably into personal territory.

Still, if you had told Abby a couple months ago that she would be curled up on Dr. Weaver’s couch, in the house that they shared, spilling her feelings to someone who truly cared… she would have been the first one to page Psych for a consult. And if you had told Kerry the same thing… well, she wouldn’t have found it nearly as odd, but her instincts would have probably still told her to page Psych. You know, just to be safe, that’s all. No other real reason.


	2. Chapter 2

_September 6, 2000_

“Abby, you don’t understand. You need to go home. You’re not covered to work on patients.”

Abby felt the ground quickly giving out from beneath her. Surely there was some way to work this out. She had been working so hard, she just needed to go talk to Richard, and… “No, well I’ll work it out with the registrar.”

Kerry looked back at her with sympathy, but her patient was taking up most of her focus. “Once a clerkship is pulled, it’s pulled. Nothing I can do. You have to wait until the next academic quarter.”

“In three months?!” Abby was speechless. Kerry threw an apology over her shoulder and moved into the trauma room with her patient, leaving Abby standing in the hallway, silently seething. She had been separated from her ex-husband for almost a year and yet Richard was still finding unique ways to ruin her life. She tossed her stethoscope and lab coat in Frank’s general direction before storming out of the ER to give Richard a piece of her mind.

Kerry, for her part, did feel very badly about having to deliver the news to Abby that she wouldn’t be able to continue working in the ER as a med student. She had come to respect the younger woman’s approach to patient care, her dedication and determination. Perhaps it was remorse at having retracted her mentorship from Lucy Knight earlier that year— only to lose the opportunity of ever offering it again in the most tragic of circumstances— or perhaps it was just that she recognized something special in Abby from the start. Whatever the reason, she enjoyed teaching her, and was disappointed that she would not be able to continue.

_September 20, 2000_

There was unfortunately nothing she could do about the dean’s decision to pull Abby’s clerkship, but when she found out that Abby had started taking on nursing shifts in OB, Kerry figured she could at least offer an alternative. She had thought Abby would be pleased, but she seemed more caught off guard than anything.

“Look, I’m offering you a learning opportunity that’ll put you way ahead when you come back as a student.”

As Kerry turned to walk away, the conversation over as far as she was concerned, Abby scoffed. “Which should only take me about… two more years.” Kerry paused to consider that statement, but Abby had already been pulled into conversation with Luka. It continued to play on her mind as she picked up her next chart, and again throughout the day until she pulled Abby in to help her with a young child with a hand laceration.

Apparently, the child had been bitten by his uncle who was a year younger than him. As Gloria, the woman who had brought them both in, explained their sordid family dynamics, Kerry picked up on a nasty cough that she wanted to get checked out with a chest x-ray. Abby offered to take the children up to daycare and started down the hall with them as Kerry went the other way with Gloria. Before either of them could get too far, Kerry heard a yelp from the other end of the hall, and the little boy ran back to inform them that his uncle had bitten the nurse too. The chest x-ray would have to wait, Kerry changing course to go check on Abby.

“It doesn’t look like the skin is broken, will probably just have a bit of a bruise,” Kerry said down to the table as she held Abby’s hand under the exam light.

Abby chuckled and shook her head. “This actually reminds me of my first day working here. Nothing like getting bitten by a meth head to welcome you into the ER, which surprisingly wasn’t even the weirdest part of that day.”

Kerry rolled back on the stool she’d been sitting on and gave a chuckle of her own. “That sounds about right.” Standing up and reaching for the crutch she had set aside against the wall, she turned back toward the other woman. “Abby, while I have you here, I wanted to ask… what did you mean before when you said it would take you two years to start back up with med school? I thought you had worked out the tuition issue and were just waiting for the next quarter to start.”

Abby ducked her head and trained her attention on her injured hand as a distraction. She was embarrassed at having to admit this to someone she looked up to, but after a brief pause, she spoke up. “Richard—uh, my ex-husband—informed me that he wasn’t going to be able to pay for tuition and my condo that he’s also paying for. So…” She trailed off and ventured a glance up at Kerry. The other woman was looking at her with understanding rather than the judgement she’d expected. “A-and I’ve been looking for other places, more affordable places that I can pay for myself… but I haven’t been able to find anything yet.”

As the two women started to move toward the door to leave the room, Kerry seemed to hesitate, reaching her hand out to push the door open and then stopping. Abby almost ran into her but caught herself before she did and took a step back. She was just about to ask what the issue was when Kerry apparently made up her mind. “You know, Abby, I… I rent out my apartment. I have a basement. Fully furnished, affordable. If—”

“Oh, Dr. Weaver, I- I couldn’t- I…” Abby was at a loss for words. She had just been talking to Carter about how Kerry was being unreasonable, and here she was offering up her home? It didn’t make sense. “Why would you…”

“Abby, I don’t say this lightly. You’re a fantastic nurse, but you have so much potential as a doctor. I would hate to see that go to waste due to circumstances outside of your control. My basement apartment is currently vacant and I’ve rented it out to students before, so why not offer you a solution when it’s within my control. It’s just practical sense, really.”

 _Leave it to Weaver to go from genuine compliment to ‘just the facts, ma’am’ in six seconds flat_ , Abby thought. It was a lot to think about. On one hand, it did seem like the perfect solution to her problems. But on the other… she could never really get a read on the other woman, and did she want to both live and work with that? Abby realized that Kerry was looking at her expectantly, waiting on some kind of response. “Thank you for the offer, Dr. Weaver. Um, do you mind if I think it over?”

“Of course, Abby,” Kerry said. She pushed the door open and the two women walked back toward Admit. “Come find me when you’ve made a decision and we can talk details.” Abby watched her move down the hallway until a door opening behind her drew her attention. Cleo poked her head out and asked if the nurse could run some tests on her patient. Abby entered the exam room, pushing all thoughts of her living situation out of her mind.


	3. Chapter 3

_September 24, 2000_

Abby walked out into the ambulance bay and found Carter shooting hoops while waiting for a patient to arrive. “They’re finally letting you work on traumas?” She was happy that things seemed to be going well for her friend, knowing how difficult it could be to get your life back on track when dealing with addiction.

“Provided I only handle two patients at a time.” He tossed the basketball to Abby, crossing to her other side. “Weaver’s rules.”

“Ah. Play by ‘em or die by ‘em,” she joked, taking aim and launching the ball toward the basket. It bounced off the rim and Carter moved to chase it down. They passed the ball back and forth to each other a few times, taking turns making shots. Abby figured that while they were on the subject of the other woman, she would see if Carter had any thoughts about what she should do with Kerry’s offer.

“Do you know she offered me her basement apartment?”

She wasn’t sure what reaction she had been expecting, but Carter didn’t seem phased by it at all. He just cocked his head slightly to the side with a noncommittal “hmm” before chasing down another rogue ball. When he made his way back over to Abby, he tossed her the ball. “It’s not so bad.”

“What?”

“Weaver’s basement.”

Abby was just standing with the ball in her hands now, staring at Carter. “… you lived with her?” They hadn’t known each other a super long time, but she felt like that was something that would have come up before now.

“Yeah, about two years ago. I got kicked out of my RA position at the dorm and was looking up ads in the paper. Didn’t know it was hers until she opened her door,” he laughed at the memory of Kerry, tipsy and trying so hard to be carefree. “She was going through some administrative woes here at the time, otherwise I don’t think she would have let me in. …and she did ask me to move out a few months later when she got a promotion, but for a while there, it was actually kind of nice spending time with her when she wasn’t in hospital administrator mode.”

They didn’t have any further time to discuss it as the ambulance rolled in. But it stayed on Abby’s mind throughout the rest of her shift. Kerry hadn’t invited Carter to stay with her, just didn’t turn him away when he happened to show up. What did it mean that she had willingly offered the place to Abby? And would she rescind the offer a few months down the line once Abby was already settled in? Although, what alternative did she have? She had been looking for apartments for the whole month and hadn’t found anything yet.

“Abby?”

She hadn’t realized it, but she had been staring at the same shelf in the drug lock-up for over a minute. Abby turned at the sound of the other woman’s voice and met Kerry’s eyes. _Speak of the devil…,_ she thought.

“Is everything okay?”

“Oh… yeah, I just got distracted for a minute.” Having grabbed the bottle she was looking for, Kerry nodded before turning around to leave. Abby rolled her eyes at herself and called out again, “Dr. Weaver? Uh… I was wondering if your offer was still open?”

For a second, Abby thought Kerry was going to say no. She wouldn’t be surprised if Kerry had changed her mind once she gave it some more thought, and as she waited for the other woman to speak, she wasn’t entirely sure which response she was hoping for. Kerry moved back into the small room and placed a hand on Abby’s arm briefly, giving a polite smile. “Of course.”

The relief she felt outweighed the awkwardness, so Abby guessed that she had her answer.

_October 16, 2000_

Abby had enlisted Carter’s help the first weekend in October to move the few things she was keeping into her furnished room in Kerry’s basement. He had made a joke about Kerry yelling down in the mornings so he wouldn’t sleep past his alarm, _“so get ready to feel like you’re back in high school.”_ Abby had chosen to let the moment pass without digging in to why that was never her high school experience. She needn’t have worried, anyway, since she barely crossed paths with the other woman during the first couple of weeks living there. Their schedules had them like ships in the night, and it was probably for the best as it eliminated any of that new roommate awkwardness. Not that they were roommates, but still.

The first time their shifts managed to line up was in mid-October, and it was by happenstance. Abby knew from the calendar hanging in the kitchen that Kerry was not scheduled to work that afternoon and would be attending some flower show in Garfield Park, a small _KL_ written next to the event. Several calls to Luka went unanswered, though, and as he was supposed to be covering the ER, Kerry had to be called in to cover his shift. She seemed more pissed off than a missed flower exhibit warranted, so Abby decided to just steer clear of her bad mood as much as she could.

When Abby entered the lounge at the end of her shift, it was clear she was interrupting a moment between Kerry and Carter. She had heard about his young patients, who had both found out that day they’d been living with HIV because the boy’s grandparents hadn’t wanted him to know his mother passed it on to him at birth. It was heavy information to have to give, and she’d tried to gauge how he was handling it earlier, but Carter had brushed her off. She had also heard that since they’d talked, the young boy had come back into the ER, struck by a car after arguing with his girlfriend.

“I shouldn’t have told him.”

“You had to.”

Carter swung his bag over his shoulder and crossed the lounge to head home. Abby was standing just inside the door, looking between both doctors. Kerry didn’t want to leave Carter to handle this alone and could read similar concern in Abby’s expression. “Hey, I’m off in twenty minutes. Uh, you want to get some dinner?”

Carter glanced briefly at Abby. “I got an AA meeting at nine.”

Abby spoke up for the first time since entering the room. “I was gonna go to the nine o’clock meeting too. I wouldn’t mind grabbing something to eat before then…” she let the offer trail off. She knew better than anyone how unpredictably received offers of support sometimes were.

Carter seemed to acquiesce and the two sat down at the table to wait for Kerry to finish the last few minutes of her shift. Carter drummed his fingers against the table while Abby silently tried to get a read on his mood. He caught her eye and asked, “you two working some tag team babysitter thing now that you’re living together?”

Abby rolled her eyes. “Carter, we just care about you and want to make sure you’re okay.”

Kerry came back into the room a few minutes later, not bothering to finish the full twenty she had left, considering she wasn’t even supposed to be there in the first place. She figured Abby should be enough to keep John in the room, but she didn’t want to chance it. The three left the hospital and headed across the street to Doc Magoo’s.

Abby drove down West Concord later that night looking for a spot to park. She and Carter had parted ways with Kerry after dinner, heading on to their meeting. Abby had said she’d see Kerry when she got home and was hoping to actually get the chance to spend some more time with the other woman. To touch base about their Carter concerns, sure, but also because Carter had been right—it _was_ nice to see Kerry outside of work as opposed to Dr. Weaver.

When she opened the front door and entered the living room, she could see Kerry perched at the kitchen counter, phone cradled between her ear and her shoulder. She spoke in soft tones, much more intimate than she’d ever heard Kerry’s voice before. Curiosity piqued, she tried to be quiet as she moved further into the house.

“Well, I just feel bad that I left you there by yourself … That would be nice … I’ll have to check my schedule, but I should be able to work something out …”

Kerry’s soft laugh stopped abruptly when she noticed Abby cross over to the refrigerator. She felt self-conscious but wasn’t sure why exactly. Abby held her hand up and mouthed an apology for the intrusion. She made to go downstairs, but Kerry was wrapping up her call and motioned for Abby to stay in the kitchen for a minute. Abby’s eyebrows rose briefly when she heard Kerry softly say “goodnight, Kim,” but Kerry was none the wiser as her back was turned, hanging the phone back on the wall.

Turning back around to face Abby, Kerry grabbed her glass of water and silently ushered Abby to follow her into the living room. Taking the corner spot on her sofa, Kerry watched as Abby hovered near the archway. She didn’t want the other woman to feel obligated to stay, so she spoke and figured Abby would join her if she wanted to continue the conversation.

“How did Carter seem when you left him?”

“He said he was fine. That he’d come talk to me if that changed.” She slowly moved from the edge of the room to the chair facing Kerry. “I have no reason not to trust him.”

Kerry nodded and took a sip of her water. “I can’t help but feel responsible for him. Responsible for the whole thing,” Kerry confessed, her voice small as she avoided eye contact. Abby immediately knew that Kerry was not referring to Carter’s patients that day, but what had taken place in the hospital several months ago.

“Kerry…” It was the first time Abby had addressed her directly by her first name, the confession too personal to warrant a Dr. Weaver. “None of it was your fault.”

“It’s my ER, Abby.”

“But you couldn’t have known—”

Kerry set her glass down on the coffee table with more force than was necessary, anger starting to stir up within her. Not directed at Abby, nor in reaction to what Abby had said, more with the memory itself. “You know, I know what people say about me behind my back, that I’m some sort of jail warden buzzkill. And I accept that because that’s what it means to be the boss. But if they had respected how I run the ER, not been playing music so loudly, not… if they had found them sooner, maybe Lucy would still—” she swallowed loudly, uncomfortably, letting her speech trail off into morose silence.

Abby couldn’t help but feel guilty herself. She hadn’t been immune to thinking of Kerry as a buzzkill in the past, and she had participated in the Valentine’s Day party festivities, however briefly. Not that Kerry knew any of that, having come into the ER once Abby had already moved into the lounge to check her messages. She vaguely remembered her conversation with Kerry and Carol before all hell broke loose. Remembered Kerry having said something about _“it must be nice to have someone to come home to.”_

As she watched the soft lamplight reflect off the wetness on the other woman’s face, she wondered if Kerry had come home that night to an empty house, one that held memories of the very people whose lives she had spent the night trying to save. She knew it wouldn’t assuage the guilt either of them felt, but she moved to the couch anyway and tentatively placed her hand on Kerry’s shoulder. She rubbed softly up and down, whispering, “it’s not your fault.”

_November 2, 2000_

As October moved into November, it brought even more overlapping shifts, which allowed for even more casual conversations when both women were at home. The subject matter ranged from small talk, to venting about hard shifts and sharing a laugh about the more absurd shifts, to light-hearted banter once they had grown a little more comfortable with each other. One subject that Abby wasn’t sure how to approach, though, was the one that tended to come up the most.

“I told her that I didn’t want to hear about it, but she insisted that it’s something their department does all the time. I couldn’t believe it! But I guess it worked out in the end, the nursing home came to pick him up, no questions asked. Kim is really something else...”

Kim. Dr. Legaspi. Psychiatrist currently on rotation to cover the ER. Subject of about half of all stories Kerry ended up telling.

Abby had had very few conversations with the woman herself but felt like she knew her from the things Kerry had told her. Abby, of course, also had some supplemental information to go on when it came to Kim. She had seen her out a few times in the past at one of the gay bars she used to frequent, usually tucked away in a corner and preoccupied with some other blonde woman. From what she could tell, Kerry didn’t seem to have the same information. Or if she did, she hadn’t yet realized that she talked about Kim a little more often than one normally would about simple friends.

Abby and Kerry had not delved that deep into their own histories, though, so Abby didn’t think the other woman would appreciate her insight on the matter. But she was personally curious how long it would take Kerry to figure it out, and whether or not she’d be receptive. The woman certainly deserved to have something good in her life. She hadn’t seen or heard mention of a serious or casual date in… the entire time she’d known Kerry, when she thought back on it.

Later that day, as she looked across the exam room while waiting for her patient to get situated, she saw the two women standing at the other bed talking to an older man. Kim was asking him a routine set of questions, and Kerry was focused intently on Kim. Abby chuckled to herself before turning back to her patient. She gave Kerry until the end of the month.


	4. Chapter 4

_November 17, 2000_

Abby didn’t have much time to focus on her casual observations of the other woman’s personal life as the month drew on. Kerry had started spending more time with Kim instead of just talking about her, which was fine because Abby had been keeping plenty busy at work. That all seemed to grind to a halt earlier that morning, though, when she came face to face with someone she was not expecting to see. As she stood in the exam room across from Kerry and Kim, Abby briefly thought back to a few weeks ago when she’d watched them interact with another mentally altered patient, but this one hit a little closer to home.

Maggie had blown back into her daughter’s life just as chaotically as she always had. They had finally gotten her settled into an exam room after screaming her head off throughout the ER. Abby made eye contact with Kerry, expecting judgement or sympathy, but instead just finding quiet understanding. Maggie pushed back on Kim’s questions as she scribbled colors furiously onto the paper in front of her. She didn’t need a shrink, she tried assuring them. Perhaps it was the disappointment she could see on her daughter’s face, or the soothing tone that Kim was using as she continued her line of questions, but Maggie eventually began to calm down and became more agreeable.

Once her mother had agreed to take the medication Kim was offering, Abby briefly rethought her plans. She had intended to send her mother back home to Florida, the envelope with cash sitting heavy in her pocket. She didn’t necessarily trust that this time would be any different than the last, but there was a calm that had settled over the room that she was loathe to disrupt. Instead, she touched Maggie’s shoulder lightly before following the other women into the hallway.

“Dr. Weaver?”

Kerry turned back to regard Abby. “Are you alright?” she asked gently, Kim continuing on down the hall.

“Yeah, I think I will be. Look, I know this is a lot to ask, but… I was wondering… I mean, I can find her a hotel but she doesn’t have the best track record with hotels. Do you think…”

It was clearly taking a lot of energy to work up to the question that Kerry could see coming, so she decided to help the other woman out. “Abby, if you want Maggie to stay with us for a few days, that would be alright with me. It might be best for her to feel settled as she eases back into a routine with her meds...”

Abby didn’t know what she’d done to gain this woman as a… friend? It felt weird to think of her that way, considering Kerry didn’t seem to interact with anyone else at work in the same way. Maybe Carter, but from what she could see, their interactions always seemed to be tinted by Kerry’s lingering guilt about what he had gone through that year. Still, she felt comfortable around Kerry, felt cared for by Kerry… all signs that pointed to a friend.

“…I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be an imposition, if that’s what you wanted to ask me.”

Abby tuned back into their conversation as Kerry finished speaking. “I promise it won’t be for long. I’ll get her back on a schedule and try to get ahold of my brother in the meantime to come take her back to Florida with him.” She finally made direct eye contact as she made to go back into the exam room. “Thank you, Kerry.”

Kerry rested her hand on Abby’s upper arm, rubbing it gently for a moment. “Don’t worry about it, Abby.”

Later that night, Abby was preparing a cup of tea in the kitchen when Kerry came in from outside. Maggie was sleeping in Abby’s bed downstairs, having exhausted herself earlier in the day. Setting her purse down on the sofa, Kerry continued into the kitchen to join the other woman. Abby noticed that she had a container of leftovers from the Italian restaurant a few blocks from the house.

“Hey. Are you hungry?” Kerry asked before she put the leftovers in the refrigerator. “I ordered too much food, and it’s never as good reheated. Tortellini with mushrooms and peas.” She knew it was one of Abby’s favorite dishes on their menu from the times they’d ordered take-out before and had thought Abby might appreciate the comfort at the end of what had to be a draining day.

Kerry wasn’t going to admit that, though. She’d learned that it was sometimes easier for Abby to accept things if they appeared to be a coincidence rather than an intentional act of kindness. She was also starting to understand why Abby might not be so comfortable putting faith in acts of kindness, having grown up in such an unpredictable environment.

Abby hesitated for a moment where she might have been questioning whether these were leftovers or a meal ordered specifically for her, but her stomach insisted that it didn’t really matter. She had been too preoccupied with her mother during the day and had forgotten to eat anything besides the granola bar she’d had at the house that morning. She reached for the container, Kerry opening the drawer by the sink and handing her a fork.

As Abby dug into the meal, Kerry took a seat on the opposite side of the kitchen island. “How’s Maggie doing?”

“Sleeping now. Crying earlier. Apologizing for… my whole life? I’ve grown pretty used to it by now, I don’t know why it still phases me.”

“How long has she been bipolar?”

“Since I was a kid. She sold cosmetics, but she used to get fired all the time.” Abby rolled her eyes, setting her fork down and standing up. She needed to focus on something else if she was going to get into the whole story of Maggie. She moved to the counter and started reorganizing the packets of tea in the wooden box Kerry kept them in.

“She’s an artist. And when I was little and she was manic, it was fun, actually… because we would do stuff like, um… camp out in the living room. Actually really camp out, with tents and stuff.”

Kerry matched Abby’s smile as she reminisced, imagining a younger Abby, carefree and having fun with her mom.

“We painted the walls of the living room once. This whole landscape. It was…” Abby’s smile faded. “And then suddenly everything would change. She would start screaming and crying… Eric took the brunt of that. He was much more of a rebel than I was…”

“Eric is your brother?” At Abby’s nod, Kerry remembered her saying earlier that Maggie had been living with a brother in Florida. “Were you able to get ahold of him yet?”

Abby shook her head. “Sometimes it’s hard to reach him. He’s an air traffic controller in the Air Force.” Abby sat back down to finish her meal, picking back up on her earlier train of thought. “…and then she would get depressed and just go to bed for weeks.” She exhaled a laugh at some memory. “When I was ten, I used to imagine that some wholesome mid-western family would invite me to live with them instead. You know, like Fonzie on Happy Days?” Kerry smiled at that as she met Abby’s eyes.

When it didn’t seem like Abby was going to say anything else, Kerry rested her head on her propped-up hand. “When I was a kid, I used to imagine things like that too… but it was pretty much the opposite scenario. I was adopted as a baby, by two very loving parents. They valued honesty and never hid that from me… but still, I-I always wondered who had given birth to me and why they gave me up.”

Abby was sunk into the story. This was the first piece of truly personal information Kerry had offered about her past, and she was grateful that Kerry seemed to sense her need to not talk about her own past anymore. “On bad days, I wondered what was wrong with me that my mother didn’t want me. On better days, I imagined that there was some noble reason she had to give me up.” Kerry took a considerable pause here, making sure that Abby met her gaze. “I think my favorite was that she was a spy. I started picturing her as Emma Peel from The Avengers.”

They both chuckled at that before growing quiet. She didn’t have the words for it when she was a child, but sitting at the counter, Kerry wondered if perhaps her birth mother was just like the woman sleeping in her basement at that moment, not really equipped to be a parent but with the knowledge to do something about it. She’d become resigned to the fact that she would probably never know. The phone on the wall rang, interrupting their silent musings.

Glancing at her watch, Kerry stood up. “That’s probably Kim. I told her to call when she got home. …are you okay?” She crossed the floor and hesitated before picking up the phone.

Abby nodded her head and took the empty Styrofoam container to the trash can. “Yeah. Thanks, again.” She opened the door to the basement as Kerry answered the phone. Listening to Kerry’s side of the conversation as she headed down the stairs, she wondered briefly if Kerry had been on a date earlier that evening. Maybe she and Kim were finally on the same page and wouldn’t that be a nice thing for her friend. It was something else to focus on other than her sleeping mother on the other side of the wall.

_November 23, 2000_

It was Thanksgiving and Maggie had been staying with them for the past week. Abby had finally gotten in touch with Eric and he was flying in that morning to spend the holiday together and then would be taking the bus back to Florida with their mother. Maggie seemed to be alright with those plans, had been a model guest, in fact, while she’d been living under Kerry’s roof. Abby wondered how much of that had to do with the fact that Kerry had managed to connect with her when she first appeared in the hospital the previous week. She had treated her with respect rather than pity. That, on top of the Depakote, seemed to be making a difference in her demeanor. 

Abby just had to make it through that evening and then Maggie would be her brother’s problem again. Things had been going smoothly, all things considered, but Abby was still bracing for the other shoe to drop. It was the dance they did, after all. She stood at the kitchen sink, watching her mother lay out dough onto two of Kerry’s baking sheets.

“It’s just me, you, and Eric, mom,” she said. “I don’t think we need that many rolls.”

“Well, what if Kerry is hungry after her shift? I think it’s ridiculous that she’s working today. I’d think that’d be one of the benefits of being in charge, getting to make the schedules.”

Abby laughed. “You clearly don’t know Kerry well enough, then. Besides, she mentioned something about plans with Dr. Legaspi after her shift.”

“Oh?” Abby picked up on the curiosity in her mother’s tone. “They seem to spend a lot of time together…”

She wasn’t going to get into this discussion again. She had allowed Maggie to come with her the other day on a shopping trip to the mall, and somehow found herself explaining the exact nature of her relationship to her roommate. _“I’m just saying, she wouldn’t be the first woman you’ve lived with that you didn’t want to tell me about,”_ Maggie had said, referring to Abby’s college roommate-turned-girlfriend. _“And we_ are _currently shopping for what you referred to as an anniversary present…”_

“ _I said of sorts, mom. An anniversary of sorts_. _We met a year ago on Thanksgiving and she is letting me stay in her house, so I wanted to do something nice.”_ Abby had noticed the salesclerk staring at her rising frustration and walked out to another store before they could cause a scene.

Abby sighed at the kitchen counter, rolling her eyes. “Yes, they do. And I honestly don’t know if that means anything, but if it did, then it wouldn’t exactly be proof for whatever you’re insinuating with me. If you’ll recall, the last woman I lived with spent her time with _me_ , not my mother’s psychiatrist.”

“Look, is it so bad that I want my little girl to be happy? Especially after Richard. You get along well with her, you already live with her. I just thought it would be nice, that’s all.” Maggie held her hands up, willing to drop the issue for now.

Abby glanced at her watch, thankful that it was time for her to go pick up Eric from O’Hare.

Dinner had been surprisingly pleasant, Abby finding it easier to fend off Maggie’s prying when she had her brother by her side. There were certainly tears as she dropped her family off at the Greyhound station later that evening, but it was nothing out of the ordinary as there were other families saying emotional goodbyes along the sidewalk as well. She promised them both that she would try to come visit early next year if her schedule allowed, pulling back out onto the main street as they found their way inside the terminal.

As she returned home, she pulled into a spot right in front of the house, laughing as she said a silent thanks to the parking gods. She got out of the car and was headed toward the door when she noticed the stationary headlights further down the street. It looked like Kerry’s car, parked five or six houses away, and she didn’t appear to be getting out. _That’s odd…_ Abby thought as she walked down toward the car.

Seeing Kerry in the driver’s seat, a faraway look on her face, Abby tried to wave at first to get her attention. She was thankful that Kerry noticed her because she was sure she would have scared her knocking on the window. Abby’s presence seemed to spur Kerry into action, and she turned the car off and opened her door.

“Hey, are you okay? Did something happen?”

“What?” Kerry was clearly still distracted, and deflected Abby’s concern. “No, I’m- I’m fine.” The two started to walk back toward the house in not uncomfortable but weird silence. Once they were inside, Kerry sat down on the sofa and continued staring off, seemingly in thought. She didn’t seem agitated, just… introspective.

Abby briefly thought of waiting until the next day to give Kerry the present she’d picked out but thought it might be able to rouse her out of whatever mood she was in, so she picked up the small, wrapped package from the side table and set it down in front of the other woman.

Kerry _was_ roused out of her thoughts as she looked down at the coffee table. “What’s this?” she asked, looking up at Abby.

“Um… I’m not one to be overly sentimental,” Abby started, “but I remembered the other day that we met on Thanksgiving last year. And I wanted to get you something anyway, as a token of appreciation for letting me— and my mother— stay here with you.” She laughed softly, clearly awkward at her own vulnerability. “So here.”

Kerry removed the string from the package and slipped her fingernail under the tape holding the box together. Setting the lid to the side, she reached in and pulled out the rounded piece of glass, holding it in her hand as she peered inside. It was a snow globe about 4 inches in diameter, and inside was a small house that looked a lot like the one they were sitting in.

“I know it’s not exactly the same, but I saw it when I was out shopping the other day and thought it looked pretty close.”

“It’s beautiful, Abby, thank you,” Kerry said softly, moving around the couch to the hutch against the wall. She moved a few of the other decorations around before giving the snow globe a shake and setting it in the middle. She seemed to space out again as she watched the white particles swirl around the glass and settle on the small rooftop.

Abby gently cleared her throat, prompting Kerry to turn back around. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“…it’s just been a weird night.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Kerry hesitated for a moment before shaking her head. “I appreciate the offer, Abby, but I think I’m just going to turn in for the night.” Moving across the room to her bedroom door, she opened it and glanced back at Abby briefly, almost an afterthought. “Thank you, again. Happy Thanksgiving.” She then closed the door behind her, Abby hearing the bath start to run a minute later.

Abby crossed over to the hutch and stared into the snow globe, as well. She didn’t take it personally that Kerry had barely reacted. It was clear that something else was affecting her, and she hoped Kerry would feel comfortable talking about it soon. As she went downstairs and settled into her bed again for the first time in a week, she tried to block out the voice in her head that sounded surprisingly like her mother’s. _You wouldn’t feel so disappointed if you didn’t care so much._

“Shut up,” she mumbled to herself, rolling over and closing her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

_December 1, 2000_

Kerry remained out of sorts for the entire next week. She just kept playing over the conversation that had come at the end of a very lovely Thanksgiving dinner. _“You know, this is our second meal together,”_ Kim had said. _“Some people… might consider a second dinner a date.”_

Kerry had become flustered at that, saying whatever she could think of that would make her feel less out of her element. She didn’t even know why she was out of her element at all. She _did_ know that Kim was gay, but it was something that they didn’t talk about. Had been careful to avoid talking about because that was entirely separate from their friendship, right?

She had sunk down into the warm water she was laying in that same Thanksgiving night, closing her eyes as she thought over what she’d said in response to Kim. _“I-I… I’m so sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.”_ Had she gone overboard in reassuring Kim that she was a beautiful woman? She remembered saying beautiful a lot.

Standing at the patient board at work the next day, her words had continued to play in her head. _“But I’m… I-I’m straight. I mean, I don’t… Oh, God. Oh, my God. I don’t know… I don’t know what’s… I’m sorry, I just… I don’t, uh… I feel very… I’m… You know, I’m, I-I just…”_ She couldn’t seem to stop the words coming out of her mouth in a stream of consciousness, so she had paused to take a deep breath. _“I mean, I-I guess I never even… really considered this.”_

By the following week, she was forcing Randi to put in all her pages to Psych, just so she didn’t have to spend any more time considering the situation. It probably wasn’t fair to Kim, but the whole conversation had thrown her entire sense of self into a tailspin. She began questioning every interaction she’d ever had with a woman, every interaction she was presently having with a woman…

Had Jing-Mei read more into it than simple comfort when she’d called her ‘sweetie’ a few months ago? What did Randi mean when she had complimented her jacket? Had she stared too long the first time she’d met Carol, when the woman had been wearing that white tank top from her EMT ride-along? Could they all sense something… Kerry was hesitant to even say the word _gay_ alone in her thoughts; it was too loud.

Abby was attuned to Kerry’s unchanging distractedness, as it was such a departure from her normal behavior, but their schedules were at odds again, so she hadn’t gotten a chance to ask Kerry about it since the night of Thanksgiving. Even though she wasn’t talking with the other woman, though, didn’t mean she hadn’t been thinking about her. It was all Maggie’s fault, really. If she hadn’t put the thought into her head, Abby could have just continued on in ignorant bliss, none the wiser to any latent feelings for her boss-turned-landlord-turned-roommate-turned-friend. And god, wasn’t that complicated enough?

It would be laughable if she wasn’t so sure Kerry had recently realized that she also liked women. And come to think of it, the one shift she’d been on with both Kerry and Kim a couple days ago, they had been awkward in their interactions. Had they broken up? It would explain Kerry’s sudden change in mood. She should feel bad about that for her friend’s sake, so why did it make her chest feel just a little bit lighter?

_December 18, 2000_

It was nearing Christmas time, and after working the same shift with very few interactions, both women finally managed to have the following day off. Abby was sitting on the sofa waiting for Kerry to get home, having finished up about an hour before her. She was hoping to finally broach the subject of what had been affecting the other woman, wondering why they hadn’t been able to talk it through like they had with other things in the past. But when Kerry got home, she seemed even more flustered than she had been over the past couple of weeks.

“Hiccups gone?” she ventured as Kerry stood in front of the open refrigerator door. When Kerry didn’t seem to register her question at all, Abby moved closer and reached a tentative hand out to rest on the other woman’s shoulder. That startled her out of her staring contest with a jar of pickles.

“Huh? Oh, uh… yeah, they’re- they’re gone.” She closed the door and leaned back against it as she regarded the woman standing next to her.

“Kerry, are you okay? You’ve seemed distracted for weeks now.”

Kerry hesitated for a moment, making eye contact then immediately looking away. She moved back into the living room, not exactly running from the genuine concern, but not comfortable with it either. Abby persisted and followed her into the other room.

“Do you… want to talk about it?” She knew from previous attempts that Kerry would tell her if she didn’t want to talk about it. She couldn’t help but take Kerry’s silent presence to mean she was just having trouble admitting she wanted to talk. “Kerry, I hope you know how much our conversations have helped in the past, when I’ve been feeling upset or conflicted. I’d like to think those conversations have been mutually beneficial…”

Kerry sighed and looked up at the other woman. “They have been, Abby… but this is something that I don’t know if I know how to talk about.”

Abby watched as Kerry seemed to shrink in on herself, scared and small. She hated seeing her like that and debated briefly if she should take a risk in making this assumption. If she was wrong, it couldn’t make things any worse, she decided. “Can I… did something happen with Kim?”

Kerry’s eyes snapped up, looking even more scared, all those thoughts of ‘can they sense something…’ flooding back to her. Abby tried her best to appear sympathetic, to make Kerry feel safe to confide in her. “It’s okay, hey… I didn’t… I just thought that maybe there was a reason you two weren’t hanging out so much anymore.” When it became apparent that Kerry wasn’t going to bolt from the room, Abby sat down on the other end of the couch. “But you can talk to me, whatever the—”

“How…?”

The question left open ended, Abby settled back into the cushions and sighed. “Experience.” She felt Kerry’s eyes tracking over her face, trying to search for a hidden meaning. Looking across the sofa, she realized the best approach was to probably confide in Kerry about her own past. “You can talk to me, Kerry. I would never violate your privacy by sharing this with anyone else. I… I know how it feels to be outed by petty gossip.”

Kerry didn’t say anything right away, but her body did appear to become less rigid, allowing herself to relax for the first time all evening. “You’re…?” Kerry swallowed her question, unable to speak the words and unable to look Abby directly in the eye.

Abby thought about it for a minute, figured sharing an actual label might not be the best approach at the moment. She ducked her head, trying to meet Kerry’s gaze. “I like women,” she said softly but confidently. She knew Kerry was in a precarious headspace and didn’t want to spook her, but still wanted to get across that this was nothing to be ashamed of. She could see several questions in Kerry’s expression, and waited to see which would come out first.

Unexpectedly, Kerry chose to not ask for any further information from the other woman, but rather to reveal more about herself. “I… I feel frustrated… with myself. Any time I try to say those same words, or even think them, something stops me. And I can’t… And it’s distressing because I _always_ know how to put things into words. But I have no words for this.” Looking up finally, she caught Abby’s eye and saw the warmth there that she had come to expect. She wiped an errant tear off her own cheek, not even noticing when it had appeared.

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“…Thanksgiving. I went out to dinner with Kim, and she said something about it being a date, which… I mean, we had never… and then she kissed me in the lounge a couple hours ago.”

Abby tried to piece together what might have happened in between Thanksgiving and a couple hours ago, but Kerry was not offering anything else. “…so less than a month?” At Kerry’s nod, she continued. “Kerry, it took me literal years to figure out my sexuality and to have all the language to talk about it comfortably.”

Kerry’s eyes snapped up again, feeling for the first time in almost a month that she wasn’t a failure for not being able to clearly articulate her feelings. “Really?”

Abby exhaled on a soft laugh, “yeah. It’s okay that you don’t know how to talk about it yet, because it’s brand new for you. …and I know I can’t really help whatever your feelings are, Kerry, but just like with other things we’ve talked about, I’m a willing ear for whatever processing you need to do.” She let out another laugh and rolled her eyes at herself. “In fact, you should probably get used to processing… which is a lesbian joke,” she added at Kerry’s confused stare.

Abby’s whole demeanor from the time she’d followed Kerry into the living room seemed to be inviting her into this shared space, this shared experience. She didn’t feel the pressure of expectation that she felt in all of her recent interactions with Kim. It wasn’t lost on her that Abby’s joke had implied a label that she hadn’t been able to say yet, but she wasn’t scared of it like she had been before. Abby had made it sound approachable, normal.

“Abby, I… thank you, for all of this. I don’t know how easy it will be for me to… process this. But I appreciate your support and your friendship.” Kerry braced herself on the arm of the sofa and pushed herself up, releasing a yawn. “I think I’m all talked out for the night, though,” she said as she crossed the room.

Kerry rested her head against her open bedroom door and looked back at the other woman, whispering, “thanks, Abby.”

Abby tilted her head to the side and smiled warmly. “Good night, Kerry.”

_December 24 , 2000_

Kerry spent the next couple days in a much better headspace than she had all month. Yes, she was still questioning things and worried that every person she met could see in neon flashing letters over her head, _‘I’ve kissed a woman!’_ But she also knew that she could come home and talk about it with her friend.

Her sexuality wasn’t the only thing that was on her mind, though, speaking of her friend. Every time she passed the snow globe that sat in her living room, she was reminded of Abby’s sweet gesture on Thanksgiving, and how she had been too distracted to show how much it really meant to her. She had been trying to pick out a perfect gift to get her in return for Christmas and had finally figured something out a couple days ago.

One of the earlier conversations the two women had had, back in their pleasant small talk beginnings, was about their taste in music. Kerry’s main source of relaxation was listening to her extensive music collection at often unreasonable volumes, but Abby hadn’t really minded because she enjoyed a lot of what she heard. Kerry’s Grace Jones, Annie Lennox, and Patti Smith went together quite nicely with Abby’s PJ Harvey, Neko Case, and Kate Bush.

Where Kerry had been adamant that her previous tenants, Carter especially, never touch her stereo, she had felt comfortable inviting Abby to add some of her CDs into the collection. Through that and subsequent conversations, she came to find out that Abby’s favorite album at the time had been released earlier that year by one of her favorite artists. As it turned out, the singer was local and happened to play pretty often around town, which was how Kerry had found herself ducking in for the end of a Neko Case set at The Hideout two days before Christmas.

She’d made her way to the merch table after the show, Abby’s CD in hand, and asked if the woman could sign it for her friend. Kerry had felt guilty not buying anything, so she also picked up another CD that she didn’t remember seeing in Abby’s collection. As Kerry wrapped both albums the following night, she hoped they were better received than the last gift she had given someone. Trying not to get too maudlin in her thoughts about Kim, she moved to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine, turning Christmas music on low while she waited for Abby to get home from her shift.

When Abby opened the door into the living room, she couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. Kerry was lightly dozing on the couch, an almost empty glass of wine resting on her stomach and balanced precariously in the crook of her arm. Abby felt an overwhelming sense of fondness as she crossed the room and gently moved the glass to the coffee table. Kerry’s eyes slowly opened, and she looked confused for a moment before realizing that she must have drifted off.

“I’d say good morning, but it’s very much night,” Abby chuckled, repeating back what Kerry had said to her the last time she came home to the other woman sleeping in the living room. She noticed that there was a wrapped package on the coffee table next to where she’d set Kerry’s wine. “Are you waiting to open that?”

“Uh, it’s for you.”

“For me?” Abby smiled as she reached over and grabbed the present.

“I wanted to apologize… I was so distracted on Thanksgiving that I feel I didn’t fully appreciate the gift you got me.” She glanced over to the snow globe and then back at Abby. “Did we really meet for the first time on Thanksgiving?”

Abby didn’t blame Kerry for not remembering; time seemed to have no real meaning when working the shifts that they did. For her part, Abby didn’t want to admit exactly _why_ she had remembered— that she had instantly noticed how pretty the woman was who had transferred the pregnant nurse up to OB that day, that she had thought the same thing when she saw her again during her first shift as a med student down in the ER.

She cleared her throat and met Kerry’s eyes. “Yeah, it was right after you helped deliver Carol’s first baby. And then I helped deliver her second.” She thought about it for a moment and then laughed. “Isn’t that weird? We didn’t know each other then, but now Tess and Kate are a year old, and you and I are living together...” Abby watched Kerry’s expression. She always felt a little like she was overstating when she referred to it as _‘living together,’_ that she was just caught up in her simmering feelings for the other woman. But Kerry just chuckled along with her.

Remembering the present in her lap, she made a tear in the wrapping paper and began to peel it away. She pulled out what she instantly recognized as a CD that she already owned, which she knew Kerry knew. She was about to ask Kerry about that when she noticed something was written on the cover. _“Dear Abby”_ it was signed. _”Love, Neko XXXOOO”_

“I saw that that singer you liked was playing at The Hideout the other day, so I stopped down and had her sign your CD. …There’s another one in there too, that she said was just released last month. I didn’t think you had it yet… I hope you like it…” Kerry explained when Abby didn’t say anything right away.

Abby was quietly tracing her finger over the signature. She knew it was a routine message, that Kerry hadn’t asked the singer to sign it in any particular way other than addressed to her name… and it wasn’t as though Kerry herself had signed it with x’s and o’s… but her brain was conflating the two regardless. She looked up at the red-head seated on her couch and smiled. “I love it. Thank you, Kerry.”

Kerry breathed a sigh of relief as she stood to refill her wine. “I’m glad. I was starting to think you thought it was lame or something,” she laughed.

“No, sorry. I was just thinking that I didn’t have time to get you anything for Christmas.” Truthfully, Abby had thought about getting her something, but didn’t want a repeat of the Thanksgiving gift where Kerry was too overwhelmed to really register it. She read through the track listing on the back of the second CD while waiting for Kerry to rejoin her in the living room.

“Don’t worry about it, Abby,” Kerry said as she sat back down on the sofa. “You’ve already given me a beautiful gift.” When Abby looked to the hutch where the snow globe was sitting, Kerry continued. “I mean… that too, I guess… I was referring to your offer to talk with me and help me process… my- my feelings...”

Abby could sense that Kerry had intended to take her up on that offer, but she had seemed to stall out. The mood hadn’t exactly changed, just gotten quiet, so she spoke up. “If it helps, maybe I can talk a bit first?”

Kerry met her eyes and gave a small nod, taking a sip of her wine.

“Well, uh… I realized that I liked women when I was in high school. I should say, since I haven’t mentioned it before, that I also like men. That’s how I realized it, actually. I had been dating this guy, Seth, for a couple months. And I had all those first love cliché feelings about him.” Abby paused, a cheesy memory of one of their first dates coming back to her. “And then I met the girl that turned out to be my best friend for all of our sophomore year. Tammy. And I had all the same feelings about her that I’d had for Seth.”

She set her present back on the coffee table and swung her legs up to curl further into the corner of the sofa. Kerry rested herself against the opposite end, both settled in for the story.

“It was confusing at first, because I didn’t know any other girls who felt that way about their female friends. I started looking in all the magazines they had at the library and I stumbled upon this advice column that had a bunch of letters from teens. This one girl was describing exactly what I was feeling, so I checked out the magazine and took it home and transcribed the whole question and the columnist’s response into my orange flowery notebook.”

Kerry was caught up in the story and startled briefly when Abby started laughing instead of continuing.

“Sorry… I was just thinking about my logic. I could have just ripped out that letter from the magazine, but I thought someone would instinctively know what it was about, even though it would have been missing completely, and know that _I_ had taken it.” Kerry laughed along with her, all too familiar with questionable paranoid logic.

“Anyway, this advice columnist provided reassurance that my feelings were normal, and the teen who’d written the letter proved that I wasn’t alone in those feelings. So I started paying closer attention, seeing if I could notice classmates who seemed to stare too long at their friends, girls that walked closer together than normal…”

Kerry cleared her throat, seeming to want to voice something, but hesitating. Abby picked up on what it was, anyway. “Yes, that’s how figured you out,” she chuckled. “But if it sets your mind at ease, I’ve been honing this skill for twenty years; you’re not that easily figured out.”

Kerry did seem comforted by that fact, and Abby decided to take that as a jumping off point to invite Kerry into sharing her feelings. “Anyway, Tammy was the first _conscious_ crush on a woman I ever had, but looking back, I could also recognize that I’d felt similar things for various grade school teachers, for Joanie Cunningham,” she laughed. “I know Kim seems to have jump-started this whole thing for you, but if you think about it, were there any…”

Kerry looked down into her wine glass for a moment. “…how would I know?” she asked, genuinely wondering how to dig through her memories to recognize these things.

“Um… have you ever felt yourself wanting to be around another woman all the time, that you may have just attributed to an intense friendship or hero worship? Or maybe the opposite, where you’ve had weird tension you can’t explain so you just chalked it up to an adversarial relationship?” She paused, waiting for Kerry to reflect.

Kerry’s gaze remained fixed on the ceiling for several moments, either deep in thought or steeling herself to admit for the first time that she’d had these feelings before. “There was a woman that worked in the ER, not too long before you started, actually. She was a physician’s assistant, and probably one of the best friends I’ve ever made there. Jeanie,” she said, smiling. “I did want to be around her all the time. I felt terrible whenever we’d disagree about something, and such relief once we’d made up… one time I introduced her to this doctor I knew, and I couldn’t understand why I felt… almost jealous? when they went out on a date…”

Kerry trailed off, somewhere in her memories. Abby was going to ask more about Jeanie when Kerry spoke up again, seemingly moved onto an entirely different train of thought. “And there was another doctor a few years ago, Susan Lewis, that I always butted heads with. This one time we were in the women’s room and she’d had a run-in with a dye-pack, something from one of her patients, and she had this dot of green ink on her chin… I- I had this instinct to reach out and wipe it away. I left the room before I could, but I thought about it for the rest of the day…”

After a full minute, it seemed like Kerry was not going to say anything else on the matter. Abby leaned forward, reaching her hand out to Kerry where it landed on her knee. “Hey… you okay in there?”

“…yeah. Just thinking about it all…” She hesitated, clearly not finished with her thought but having trouble articulating it. Abby waited patiently. “You said you like men _and_ women… I- I’ve been with men before… I was married to one, actually… how do I know… I mean- I- am I…”

Abby took pity on Kerry’s jumbled thoughts. “That kind of depends… on what you feel, what you have felt… and it’s not really something that _has_ to be set in stone, unless you want it to be.” She met Kerry’s eyes that were swimming in uncertainty. “I mean, after I had started to make friends with people like me later in high school, there was this girl on my softball team, Lindsey… she was adamant that you had to be one or the other, that any middle ground was just a pitstop along the way…

“To be completely honest with you, there are still people who feel that way, which can make the road to self-discovery more treacherous than it needs to be. I let Lindsey’s opinion affect me for longer than I care to admit. But… other people can’t make those decisions for you, Kerry.”

Kerry raised her wine glass to her lips, realizing only after the fact that it was empty. She set it back down on the coffee table, silently evaluating her previous relationships with men, how she had felt more just being near Kim than she had with any of them. Abby recognized that this may take a considerable amount of time and she didn’t want to just abandon Kerry on the couch, so she occupied herself with flipping through the album booklet that she was already familiar with.

When she didn’t have any more pages to thumb through and the room was still silent, Abby ventured a glance back at the other woman and found Kerry’s eyes already watching her. She was caught off-guard, but didn’t want to draw attention to that fact, so she just met Kerry with a comforting smile. It took a minute, but Kerry slowly matched that smile with one of her own.

The room felt warm, inviting. Kerry knew that she owned this space, but it was Abby’s presence that made her feel comfortable enough to voice this quiet confession. “I think… I think I’m a lesbian,” she whispered.

Abby had glanced at the clock on the wall while waiting for Kerry to speak, noticing for the first time that it was after one am. As Kerry’s words washed over her, she smiled even brighter, leaning forward to gather Kerry in the first hug they’d ever shared. “Congratulations, Kerry… and Merry Christmas,” she whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

_December 30, 2000_

Later that week, Kerry ran into Kim in the hospital on two separate occasions and, feeling a little more confident from having vocalized some of her inner thoughts to Abby, she asked her if they could talk after their shifts were over that night. Kim was hesitant at first but decided to hear the other woman out, which was how they found themselves sitting in a booth at Doc Magoo’s that night.

“I miss you.”

“Well, that’ll pass too. In a few weeks, we’ll just be friendly coworkers all over again.”

Kerry shook her head; this was coming out all wrong. Clearing her throat, she tried to sound decisive so Kim would give her a chance. “I’ve been thinking… and I’m not sure that’s what I want.” When Kim didn’t seem moved by her words, Kerry was certain that she was going to walk out the door, leave her sitting alone in the diner. “Please, Kim…”

At Kerry’s quiet plea, Kim relaxed a bit into the booth, gesturing for Kerry to continue.

“In all my previous relationships, with men… I-I always felt that there was something missing, like I knew I was supposed to feel things, so I told myself that I felt them. Like if I said it enough, it would become true,” she said softly, meeting Kim’s eyes. “But when I spend time with you, I don’t have to make myself feel anything… I just feel it.”

It wasn’t lost on Kim that Kerry kept her voice low as she spoke, glancing between their table and the door. She understood why when she saw that doctor with the frosted tips walk through the door a few seconds later. _Maltucci or something like that…_ she thought. He hadn’t noticed them, but Kerry was clearly affected regardless.

Kim sighed. “Kerry,” she started with an apologetic tone to her voice. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate you telling me this… but I don’t think anything has changed.” When Kerry seemed ready to protest, Kim moved her hand on top of the table, a few inches from Kerry’s. She watched as Kerry flinched slightly, her suspicion confirmed.

“If I held your hand right now, would you be okay with other people seeing? With him seeing?” she tilted her head to the counter where the other doctor was placing an order with the waitress.

Kerry hesitated, swallowing loudly. She couldn’t deny that Kim was right; she wouldn’t be comfortable holding hands out in the open like this. _Why didn’t I ask to talk to her somewhere more private? Why is this so much easier with Abby?_ Kerry’s thoughts swirled around in her head as she saw her opportunity with Kim slipping out of her reach.

“Kerry?” Her eyes snapped back up at Kim’s voice. “I need to be with someone who’s not ashamed of being with me. I know you might get there one day, but I need that now.” She was trying to let Kerry down easy, but she had always been more of a ‘rip the band-aid off’ kind of person. Kim stood up and gathered her coat, placing a few bills on the table to cover her coffee. “I can’t do this, Kerry. I’m sorry.”

“Kim…” she whispered as the other woman walked toward the door. Kerry might have gotten up to follow her outside if Malucci hadn’t chosen that moment to turn around and see her sitting in the booth.

“Hey, Chief! You mind if I join you?” he called out, walking over and inviting himself to sit down without waiting for an answer.

“You can have the booth, Dave. I was just leaving.” She picked up Kim’s money and headed to the counter to pay. When she got outside, Kim had already disappeared. Kerry remembered that she hadn’t bothered with her car this morning, and started walking to the L. It wasn’t until she sat down inside the train and it started moving that she felt the tears on her face, realizing she’d been crying the whole walk over.

When Kerry approached her house, she could see the living room light on through the window. She felt relieved that Abby was home. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk about this night yet, but Abby always seemed to be able to read her moods and Kerry knew that she would be there for her no matter what.

Walking in the door, she paused for a moment as she regarded the other woman on the couch. Abby sat with her back to the door, angrily punching at the channel button on the remote, not really focusing on anything long enough to notice what she was watching. She turned at the sound of the door opening, meeting Kerry’s eyes.

It was apparent from their faces that they were both in a bad mood. Kerry was sad, and Abby was mad, and yet they both found themselves laughing a minute later when each of them quickly adjusted their own mood to try and check on the other. It resulted in overlapping sentences and almost running into each other.

The tension in the room seemed to lift as they settled on the couch, Abby reaching over to grab the remote and turn the TV off. “You go… what's wrong?” Abby asked, turning her body to face Kerry.

“Uh… Kim just… ended things, I guess? Not that they ever really started… But I was trying to explain to her how I felt, and she turned me down because I wasn’t ready to hold her hand in Doc Magoo’s…”

“What?”

“She said she needed to be with someone who wanted to be _with_ her,” Kerry said despondently.

Abby scoffed and shook her head. “I mean, I get where she’s coming from in general. But it’s really shitty that she just expects you to be there already and won’t even consider why this might be hard for you. She’s a shrink, for god’s sake…”

Kerry knew Abby would have a way of making her feel less like a failure, and the corner of her lip quirked up as she listened to the other woman defend her, voice continuing to rise. She cut her off before she could get any more worked up over Kerry’s situation.

“Thank you for validating my feelings, Abby. What about you? You seem a little more irritated than usual…”

“Oh, just another pleasant visit from my asshole ex-husband.” She blew out a frustrated breath, meeting Kerry’s eyes briefly before looking away again. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to start back up next semester, either. The jackass put the money into tech stocks or something I guess I’m just _‘too stupid to understand,’_ and now he doesn’t have it for my tuition.”

Kerry was about to tell her not to worry about it, to reassure her that she wasn’t going to kick her out, when Abby stood up abruptly. “Hey, do you want to go out?”

“What?” Kerry’s brain was trying to play catch-up to Abby’s train of thought that seemed to have skipped several tracks.

“I mean, not— there’s this bar where I go to blow off steam sometimes. They have a pool table,” she clarified at Kerry’s not unkind hesitation. She knew her next words had the potential to be a deal-breaker, so she sat back down and gentled her tone. “…it’s a gay bar, ladies mostly.” Kerry didn’t say anything right away, so Abby continued as she tried to gauge the other woman’s thoughts.

“I was just thinking, I could really use the distraction right now. And I thought you might want to tag along... If you feel uncomfortable, you can just be there supporting your bi friend, but you could also see what it feels like to exist in a gay space, if you want?” She wanted to make sure Kerry knew that it was fine no matter what she decided, that Abby wouldn’t think less of her or be disappointed. She could see that that’s what Kerry had taken from her conversation with Kim earlier that night.

Kerry was debating with herself what she wanted to do. On one hand, she had just been told by Kim that she wasn’t ready to be out in public and had known it was true. But on the other, this would be a public that felt the same things as her, and she would have Abby by her side. She let out a sigh and looked over at Abby who was smiling patiently at her.

“…lead the way.”

The bar wasn’t too busy when they walked in, which was unusual for a Saturday night. Abby assumed the larger crowd would be the following night for New Year’s Eve. She took her blessings where she could get them, though, as this was probably less intimidating for the woman next to her.

Kerry was seated on a bar stool, taking in the scenery and the few small groups of women (and a couple men) that were scattered around the bar and at various tables. The Christmas decorations were still up, giving the place a homey feel to it. As she looked over at Abby, waiting to grab the bartender’s attention, she thought that might have something to do with it too. As far as she was concerned, Abby herself had a homey feel, her presence warm and comforting.

The bartender finally made her way down to their end of the bar and asked what they were having. “Vodka, neat,” Kerry said.

“Oh, can I get a club soda?” Abby asked, turning her back to the bar once the woman started making their drinks. She was scoping out the pool table, pleased to see that it was free. Kerry handed the bartender her credit card, telling her to leave it open, and Abby handed her a five and asked to just get a dollar back in quarters. No awkward _‘no let me pay’_ conversation. Not that this was a date, Kerry told herself, she’d just come to expect that same feeling of awkwardness from her few outings with Kim.

Drinks in hand, the two women made their way over to the pool table in the corner. Kerry took a seat at one of the stools along the wall, setting her drink down on the small table beside it. Abby began setting up the table, racking up the balls in the plastic triangle, and then moved to the wall to pick out a cue.

“Do you play?” she asked Kerry, unsure if Kerry was going to join her in the game.

“I never have. I’m fine just watching for now.”

Abby lined up her first shot and pushed the cue forward with her right arm. The balls broke apart with a clatter, flying in all different directions. Kerry watched as three of them sunk into the pockets and Abby assessed the table, plotting her next shot. She didn’t want to distract the other woman from her game too much, so Kerry waited until after Abby had sunk a few more balls before voicing what she had started to say earlier at the house.

“I wanted to make sure you knew, Abby, that your tuition issue doesn’t affect the set-up that we have. You’re welcome to continue living there as long as you need to.” She swirled her vodka around in the glass, making eye contact with Abby as she walked around to the other side of the table.

“I really appreciate that, Kerry.” Abby sighed and leaned back against the edge of the table. No one was standing around waiting for their turn, so she paused her game for a moment so she could talk with Kerry. “Actually… I’m obviously pissed at Richard for screwing me over again, but… I think I wouldn’t mind being a nurse for a little while longer. I feel like I messed everything up as a med student, but as a nurse… I feel like I’m actually helping, making a real difference for the patients I see…” she trailed off and was hesitant to look back up at Kerry. “Are you mad?”

Kerry settled her hand on Abby’s arm, drawing her attention up to her face. “Abby, I would never be mad at you for something like that. Just because I said you have potential as a doctor, which I still believe… doesn’t mean that’s what you have to want for yourself right now.”

Abby smiled, glad that Kerry just seemed to get it… get her. _Oh god… get a grip, Lockhart_ , she said to herself as she turned back to the table. “Thank you,” she said softly before setting her hand on the felt and lining up another shot.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

Kerry looked over at the blonde woman next to her at the bar. Her hair was wavy and for a second, Kerry’s heart clenched in her chest. It wasn’t Kim, however. Kerry cleared her throat and politely declined the woman. “I’m sorry, I’m just here with my friend.” Her tone must have reflected a bit of the panic she felt, as the other woman rolled her eyes, scoffing as she returned to her table in a huff.

Once the bartender returned with her drink, Kerry grabbed it in her hand and made a detour to the bathroom. No one else was in there, thankfully, and Kerry stood at the sink, staring into her reflection in the mirror for several moments. _All these people have probably felt what you’re feeling now,_ she said to herself. _No one is judging you. You can be… gay here, in this gay space, with these gay people._

Breathing deeply in and then out, she brought her glass to her lips and tipped her head back, finishing the drink. She opened the door and headed back into the bar.

Kerry walked over to the bar to get another drink, switching to a vodka soda when she realized how quickly she had finished her last drink that was straight alcohol. She could feel her cheeks starting to get warm. Setting the glass down in front of her, the bartender spoke up over the music that had picked up over the past hour.

“Does your girlfriend need anything?”

Kerry snapped her head up to look at the woman behind the bar, eyes wide. “Sorry?”

The woman gestured her head toward the pool table, where Abby was racking up the balls again to start another game. Kerry followed her line of sight, watching as Abby leaned further over the table, the back of her sweater riding up her back a little. The bartender cleared her throat, chuckling under her breath as the red-head startled and turned back to face her.

“Oh, uh…” Kerry started, feeling her cheeks warm from more than the alcohol. She glanced back toward the table for a moment, deciding this was a perfect opportunity to test the waters, whether it was true or not. “Yes, my girlfriend will have another club soda.”

She didn’t die of embarrassment. The other patrons at the bar didn’t turn their heads and raise pitchforks. The bartender just moved to the row of glasses and brought both drinks back. It was totally normal. As she walked back over to the pool table, a voice in her head was telling her, _not_ totally _normal… you just said Abby was your girlfriend…_ , but she chose to ignore that voice as she joined the other woman at the table.

Abby smiled as Kerry walked back over and handed her a fresh drink. “How are things going?” She could see from the slow smile that spread over Kerry’s face that she was obviously at ease, and more than likely feeling the affects of the couple drinks she’d had so far.

“I think I pissed off some woman who asked to buy me a drink.” She didn’t seem remorseful or concerned… the only way Abby could think of to describe her demeanor was _at ease_. She noticed that her glass now had a straw in it, which meant that she’d switched over to some kind of mixed drink from the straight vodka she’d been sipping.

Kerry set her drink down and walked over to the rack of cue sticks along the wall. “Wanna teach me how to play this game?” Abby just laughed as she led Kerry to the other end of the table.

It was nearing one in the morning and Abby could see that Kerry was hiding increasing yawns into her glass as their game wore on. Abby scratched when going for the 8-ball, Kerry letting out a slight groan. “Oh c’mon, you just let me win.”

Abby chuckled and started to pick up their empty glasses from the side table. “No, I didn’t. Why don’t you go close out your tab? I’m gonna make a stop in the bathroom and then we can head home.”

Kerry nodded her head in agreement, picking up her crutch from where it was leaning against the wall and headed over to the bar, Abby making her way down the hallway toward the bathroom.

There was a small line of women waiting for an open stall when Abby walked into the room. She gave a polite smile to the woman at the end of the line and stood back to wait as well. Looking into the mirror, she could see someone she recognized a couple people ahead of her.

“Vanessa?” she asked. The other woman turned around and brightened at seeing Abby.

“Abby!” she squealed, obviously having had quite a bit to drink that night. The two had gone out on a couple dates after Abby had separated from Richard, but it hadn’t gone any further than that. They hadn’t had much in common but were certainly compatible in some areas.

The perky brunette got out of line, letting the others go in front of her and coming to stand next to Abby She threw her arms around her, giggling out a “Hiiii!” Abby was caught off guard briefly but brought her arms up after a couple seconds to settle around Vanessa’s waist, sinking in to a familiar feeling.

The woman in front of them in line scoffed, turning around and looking down at the embracing women. “Do you think your girlfriend would be ok with that?”

Both Abby and Vanessa leaned back and looked at the other woman. When it was clear she was talking to Abby, she scrunched her nose in confusion. “What?”

“Your girlfriend, that you were playing pool with? I was gonna ask her for her number earlier but heard her telling the bartender that you were her girlfriend. It’s a shame you don’t value what you have.”

Abby didn’t have long to question that before a stall opened up behind them, the taller woman moving to it with another scoff thrown over her shoulder. Abby looked back at Vanessa, who was clearly uncomfortable and too drunk to deal with any unnecessary drama. She scurried off into the next open stall, and Abby tried not to make eye contact with the older woman washing her hands, sensing her judgement.

Abby was glad she was sober, because drunk her might have gotten caught up in whatever nonsense had just happened. But as she pushed open the next stall door, she chuckled to herself. The only thing she was concerning herself with was whether or not Kerry would be in a place for some light-hearted teasing about the fib she told, or if she should wait until morning.

Kerry seemed to still be in a good mood, world’s different than the car ride to the bar. She was pleasantly buzzed and seated beside one of her favorite people. She smiled as she looked across the center console at the other woman.

Abby pulled up to a red light and turned to meet Kerry’s gaze. With amusement in her voice, she asked, “so is there any chance you told people that we were dating?”

The smile fell from Kerry’s face, eyes wide, and she started to stammer, beginning to explain what had happened to cause the misunderstanding. “I-I thought it m-might be easier if… you know if I- if I could just… not have to say anything and- and people would just know that I was… b-because I had a girlfriend.”

Abby hadn’t intended to make Kerry feel bad, thought she had made it clear she was just teasing. She reached across to Kerry’s seat and rested her hand on Kerry’s shoulder. “Hey, sorry. I was joking. It’s not a big deal,” she laughed. “Although, I kinda wish I had known I had a beautiful girlfriend waiting for me so I didn’t come off like a jackass when I flirted with another woman in line for the bathroom.”

Kerry immediately felt remorseful again, thought that she had ruined Abby’s chances to go home with someone. Abby could sense it and squeezed her shoulder, reassuring her. “Don’t worry about it, Kerry. I wasn’t seriously looking for a hookup tonight. No need to apologize.”

“Well I’m still sorry,” Kerry said, leaning her head against the cold window and staring out at the lights that reflected off the street.

They drove for several minutes in quiet contemplation before Abby ventured to ask how Kerry felt about the night as a whole. “First night out at a gay bar… what are your thoughts?”

“I had fun,” Kerry said softly, keeping her head against the window but angling to face Abby. “I don’t think I’d feel comfortable yet with the outside world knowing, but surrounded by other people who are the same? I felt… I don’t know… a sense of belonging, I guess…”

Abby smiled, glad that she had been able to provide that outlet for the other woman. “Well, I’m down for joining you any other time you want to go.” She made sure Kerry could see the glimmer of humor in her eyes as she pulled up to a stop sign. “Just clue me in if we’re supposed to be girlfriends.”

Kerry let out a soft laugh, reaching across the console and lightly shoving Abby’s arm. “Shut up.”


	7. Chapter 7

_February 5, 2001_

Things had slowly started to shift after that night at the bar. Kerry had spent that whole night when they’d gotten home thinking about Abby calling her beautiful, her calling Abby her girlfriend, Abby flirting with some faceless other woman in the bathroom. It had all jumbled up in her brain, keeping her from falling asleep. She still had somewhat unresolved feelings for Kim, but Kim didn’t seem to be willing to budge or even try to understand, and Abby had been nothing but supportive throughout this whole experience…

Abby had spent the same night lying awake in her bed downstairs. She had already been aware of her growing feelings for the other woman and was trying very hard not to let those feelings cloud her perception of the night. Yes, Kerry had told someone they were girlfriends, but that didn’t mean she felt the same. Although, she had caught her staring at her a couple times throughout the night…

Having stayed up for a good part of the following day, both women had ended up passing out in the living room well before midnight. Which was for the best, because they had both been dreading a moment of tension when the ball would drop and they’d be the only two in the house. They had traded that awkward moment for another, though, awakening on January 1st to find that they’d both fallen asleep beside each other on the couch.

Their interactions over the next several weeks began to have a fondness to them. On days where they worked the same shift, they’d always try to line up their lunches at Doc Magoo’s. On days where they worked different shifts, whoever finished up first tried to have dinner made or ordered in for when the other got home. They had started falling into what essentially amounted to a domestic partnership, although without any actual romantic element. Both had been too scared of upsetting the balance of their friendship.

It had been such a natural progression that Abby didn’t fully realize it until Carter asked her that morning if she wanted to get dinner later that night. She had no reason to say no, except that she’d made plans to go grocery shopping with Kerry after they got done with work. And she had nothing against Carter, but she found she’d much rather run errands with Kerry than go on a date with a single, attractive man whose company she enjoyed.

She still didn’t know where Kerry stood in her feelings, but she turned Carter down anyway, hoping he wouldn’t take it too personally. She didn’t have long to dwell on it though as Mark called her in to assist him with the exam of a young boy who had burned his hands. The child was agitated, yelling at the woman who had brought him in.

“Ben, we need you to calm down, okay? Can you let Dr. Greene examine you?” she asked, trying to speak to the boy in soothing tones.

He thrashed about, banging his head against the exam light behind him. When Mark palpated the area checking for any damage, he found a suspicious bruise behind the boy’s ear. “Abby, can you see if Dr. Legaspi is able to come down for a consult?”

She nodded and went out into the hallway to page the psychiatrist. Kim wasn’t exactly Abby’s favorite person. She knew that she hadn’t intended to hurt Kerry as much as she had, but as far as Abby was concerned, Kim had been pretty careless with the other woman’s feelings.

She saw Kim get off of the elevator and flagged her down, leading her to the exam room and explaining the situation along the way. When they entered the room, Ben was sitting with an older man. The child had calmed down, but his father was agitated enough for the both of them.

“Finally, can my son go home now? He hasn’t eaten since noon!”

“Mr. Fossen?” Kim asked, reaching out guide him to the other side of the room. Abby moved to the exam bed and finished the task of wrapping his burned hands in a gauze dressing. “My name is Dr. Legaspi. I need to ask Ben some routine questions. Would you mind stepping out into the hall? We’ll come get you when we’re done.”

“What kind of questions? My kid doesn’t need to see a shrink, he’s fine! He just acts out sometimes is all.”

“I’m sure we can clear this up, but it’s standard procedure and it won’t take very long,” she tried to placate him, ushering him out into the hallway. She went back into the room and asked Ben about what had happened earlier that day, about his home life and the bruise on his ear. The child was adamant that he just fell down a lot, his father lurking just on the other side of the door.

Kim made eye contact with Abby over Ben’s head. She had finished wrapping Ben’s hands, and Kim asked if she could find Mark and page the social worker on call.

Abby passed Mr. Fossen on her way out the door, trying to move quickly so he wouldn’t stop her, but he reached out and grabbed her by the arm.

“Hey, can we go now?”

“Mr. Fossen, the doctor is just finishing up with Ben now. I’m on my way to go get Dr. Greene so that he can sign out his paperwork.”

The man seemed to calm a bit at that and released Abby’s arm. “Thank you, miss.”

His calm didn’t last long when Adele showed up and informed him that Ben would need to stay there for a few days. He raged at everyone who was in the room, grabbing Ben and pushing the door open. Mark called for security, the guards quickly taking ahold of the man as Abby took Ben’s hand and led him to the other side of the hall. Father and son were pleading for everyone to just leave them alone, but the guards continued to restrain Fossen as he screamed his head off.

“You bitches!," he yelled at them. “You can’t take my son from me! Why are you doing this to us?!”

“Dad! Dad!!” Ben called out. Abby ushered him down the hallway after Adele, murmuring assurances to him that everything would be alright, as his dad was forcibly removed from the hospital.

Abby and Kerry had both been distracted as they walked down the aisles of the grocery store later that evening. Neither wanted to get into it under the harsh florescent lights, so they’d made quick work of the shopping trip and brought their bags out to the car. Once seated inside, they both let out long sighs, turning to look at each other.

“Was your day as bad as mine?”

“Probably.”

Kerry turned the ignition over and backed out of the parking space. Pulling out on to the main road, she let Abby go first in recounting her day.

“Kid came in with self-inflicted burns, we found evidence of abuse. The dad freaked out when the social worker came, had to be carted away by security.”

Kerry nodded in understanding. “Those cases are always tough. But at least he’s out of the house for now.”

“Yeah, I guess… how was your day?”

“A brother and sister came in from a hit and run, middle-aged. The sister had a developmental delay; her brother was her caretaker. …he died. Jing-Mei and I had to keep explaining it to her because she would forget.”

“There’s no other family?”

“Apparently not. We had to send her off in a taxi to some group home.” Kerry shook her head, clearly still upset. Abby reached over and rubbed soothingly along Kerry’s upper back, the other woman sighing and leaning back into her hand.

As they stood in the kitchen putting the groceries away, their mood had lightened a bit. Kerry handed Abby some of the boxes that went on the higher shelf in the cabinet. She was actually slightly taller than Abby, but it hurt her hip if she had to go up on her tiptoes to reach certain shelves.

Abby moved across the floor to put the vegetables in the crisper drawer, turning back to Kerry once the refrigerator door was closed. “You know, I think Carter asked me out tonight?” She watched closely to see if she could read in Kerry’s reaction.

“…and what did you say?” she asked softly. Her eyes also tracked over Abby’s face, the moment tense for what could only be one reason. Abby inched closer to her, hand trailing along the island. She was steeling up the courage to tell Kerry that she was here, wasn’t she?

Before she could open her mouth, the phone rang behind her and interrupted the moment. Kerry startled, crossing to the wall and picking up the receiver. She maintained eye contact with Abby as she spoke into the phone. “Hello?”

It was Gabe, Kerry’s old mentor, from what Abby could tell. When it seemed apparent that Kerry was settling into a full conversation with him, regretfully breaking eye contact with the other woman, Abby grabbed a can of Coke from the refrigerator and headed downstairs.

As she settled on her bed, Abby reflected on things. It was undeniable that things had changed between the two women, which would have to be addressed at some point. They owed it to themselves. Assuming Kerry would come find her downstairs if she wanted to talk after her phone call with Gabe, Abby leaned back against the headboard and turned on the TV, flipping through the channels until she found a rerun of Facts of Life.

One of the many chats they’d had over the past couple months had been about what TV characters they’d had crushes on growing up. Once Kerry had started really thinking back on her past, she’d realized that there were a lot of signs she had ignored. Turned out that her thoughts of ‘ _Sabrina is just really, really cool!’_ had also had an element of _‘and really, really pretty… and I kind of want to kiss her.’_

Abby had laughed at Kerry’s delayed reaction to her favorite Charlie’s Angel. She herself had been infatuated with Jo from the Facts of Life. Kerry had also laughed and told Abby she must have had a wild streak in her _. ‘All your heroes are leather-clad bikers!’_ , remembering how Abby told her she wished she was Fonzie when she was ten.

She smiled at the memory, relaxing and focusing in on the episode. She was into the second episode of Three’s Company when she realized that Kerry probably wasn’t coming downstairs to talk. Abby resigned herself to the fact that maybe Kerry wasn’t ready for this particular conversation. She closed her eyes on a sigh and ended up falling asleep propped up against her headboard.

Kerry had also fallen asleep on her couch, waiting for Abby to come back upstairs. Or that’s what she told herself when she woke up at 1:30. She knew she could have just as easily gone downstairs, but she was nervous to put words to the changing atmosphere of their relationship. It was unusual since they were always so good at putting words to their feelings, Abby helping her come to terms with so many new feelings. But it seemed it was different when it was so much closer to home.

Kerry shuffled into the bathroom to brush her teeth and then moved to her bed. Abby was on before her the next morning, and she didn’t want the other woman to find her asleep on the couch.

_February 6, 2001_

The ER was chaotic when Kerry first stepped inside later that afternoon. They had already received a handful of critical patients from what appeared to be a lone gunman on a spree across the city. It was unclear at first what his motives were, but as the day went on, and a familiar woman rolled in on a gurney, it became clear that the shooter was the father of the young boy Abby had mentioned the past evening.

The police presence was on high alert tracking his movements throughout the city, gathering more clues as even more victims rolled in. When Adele Neuman, the social worker who had removed the boy to foster care, was wheeled in with gunshot wounds, it became even more apparent that the man was seeking out revenge on anyone who had taken his boy from him.

Kerry moved from room to room, ducking her head into each one until she found Abby in one of the trauma rooms, working frantically alongside the doctors on one of the victims. She breathed a sigh of relief. She had been worried for a moment that the boy’s father had somehow found Abby on her way in to work. But she was alright.

An officer pushed past her into the trauma room where her captain was stationed. Kerry followed her inside, listening as she recited off her radio that 1211 Dupont was the last address found in the driver’s log for the cabbie who had just been brought in.

“That’s my house,” Mark said, stepping back from the gurney now that Peter had joined them to assess the patient. “You have to send a unit to my house. Elizabeth is home with the baby.” Kerry tried to keep Mark calm as the officers spoke into their radios, confirming that a unit was on its way to Mark’s house.

Things were tense as they waited for some kind of response, either from the unit that had been dispatched or from Elizabeth answering her pages. Mark was about to panic when the unit had found his house empty, but they all breathed a collective sigh of relief when she returned home moments later from a walk with Ella, unscathed and confused about the officers in her home. They still didn’t have eyes on Fossen, though.

Kerry made eye contact with Abby from across the room, but the patient on the gurney threw a clot, demanding her attention. Kerry stepped out into the hall and was met with Amira telling her that Romano had summoned her to his office for some administrative issue. Blowing out a frustrated sigh, Kerry moved to the elevator to deal with her boss.

She was starting to get impatient waiting on the couch outside Romano’s office. There was chaos downstairs, they still didn’t know when it would end… “He knows I’m here, right?” Kerry asked Romano’s assistant.

The door to his office opened and she was surprised to see her former… crush? She didn’t know how exactly she would classify her relationship to Kim, both in the past and presently. The other woman had pretty much shut her out after she left her in the diner months ago. It was probably for the best, though, considering she already had one relationship teetering between friendship and something more that she didn’t know what to do with.

Romano cleared his throat and snapped her out of her thoughts. Kim was already gone when she looked back up, following Robert into his office. He informed her that he had fired Kim for insubordination and concerns about inappropriate behavior with patients. Kerry realized she was unaware of the specific incident he was referring to but was sure that it was just another in a series of retaliation against women who wouldn’t bend to his will.

She might not be as close to Kim as she once was, but she knew what he really had an issue with, and it did not sit well with her. The two argued as they walked back toward the elevators. “You’re firing her because she’s gay!”

“Of course not, that would be wrong. Or at least politically incorrect. I’m firing her because she’s a pain in the ass.”

“Like Maggie Doyle was?”

“Okay, Kerry, let’s stop right there.” Romano didn’t want to deal with this discussion anymore, pushing the men’s room door open and leaving Kerry in the hall.

She stood in the hallway for roughly two seconds before pushing in after him to continue their argument. “And ignore your history of discrimination? If you don’t rethink this, Robert, there’s a good chance you’ll be the one out of a job.”

Robert turned from the sink where had started to wash his hands. “Are you threatening me, Kerry? Because that sounded like a threat to me…”

Kerry spoke over him, raising her voice, “I swear to God, Robert, if you don’t back off…”

“…and I don’t respond well to threats. You had better choose your battles very carefully. You’re the Chief of Emergency Medicine, not the County’s lesbian advocate.”

The word sounded so ugly coming out of his mouth, and she felt almost as if he'd slapped her. In her rage, she found herself speaking before she even really registered what she was saying. “That’s where you’re wrong, Robert, because I am both. I am the Chief of Emergency Medicine _and_ I am a lesbian. And if you pursue this matter any further, I will take it to the County Board of Supervisors, the ACLU, the press, and anyone else who will listen. So I suggest you choose _your_ battles very carefully!”

They stared silently at each other for a few seconds. When it was clear Romano wasn’t going to say anything in response, Kerry pushed the door open back into the hallway. Walking to the elevators, she pushed the button several times and waited for it to arrive.

Once the doors closed, Kerry was overcome with the weirdest sense of adrenaline. She’d essentially just exposed her neck to a wolf, but at the same time, she felt amped up. She had defended an element of herself that had been a source of uncertainty and confusion, and she felt a sense of power from that. It was with that confusing blend of emotions that she exited the elevator to the ER and was immediately assaulted with yet another: utter dread.

Looking across the hospital, she tried to take in what was happening, but the whole picture was overwhelming. The entire floor seemed still. No one was moving about and there hardly seemed to be any sound at all, save the steady beeping of various monitors. Patients and hospital staff alike were crouched behind gurneys, everyone’s attention focused toward Admit, where Kerry’s eyes were also drawn.

Abby was standing at the admit computer, typing something into the keyboard. Kerry’s eyes moved to the right and the next thing she noticed was that there was a gun, attached to an arm, pointed directly at Abby. Breath caught in her throat, her heart seemed to squeeze inside her chest.

Abby’s eyes moved between the screen in front of her and the barrel of the gun mere feet away. Derek Fossen had snuck his way into the hospital on the heels of an unrelated trauma, and before anyone had realized it, he had recognized Abby as the nurse that was with his son the previous day before everything had turned to shit, and he had the gun in her face demanding that she tell him where his son was.

She was scared, to be sure, but what this man didn’t know was that she had been dealing with unpredictable behavior and the potential threat of wielded weapons since she was ten years old. She knew that she needed to remain calm and let him think that he was in control the entire time. She could see the officer behind him in her periphery but was careful to not focus her attention there. Instead, she looked from the screen directly into Derek Fossen’s eyes and said confidently, “Ben was moved into a foster facility in Downers Grove. I can put in a call and have him moved back to the hospital for additional testing…”

From across the ER, Kerry could not see the officer that was standing by the vending machines from her vantage point. All she could see was the gun pointed at her… for the second time in an hour she was at a loss for how to define her relationship to another woman. But it didn’t matter that she didn’t have a succinct word for it, she was watching a direct threat to the most important person in her life. And there was nothing she could do about it.

The fear was just about to overwhelm her entirely when she was shocked out of it by the sound of a gunshot just several feet in the distance. It took a moment for her to process the fact that Abby was not the one falling to the ground, but rather the gunman himself that had been dropped to the floor. A series of police officers converged on the man writhing in pain, kicking his gun out of his reach across the hospital floor.

Kerry watched as Abby slowly backed away from the chaos, making a beeline for the doctors’ lounge. She knew her position meant that she would have to deal with the ramifications of this stand-off, and that she should probably oversee the doctors that were attending to the man’s wounds, but there was an almost magnetic pull to follow Abby and make sure that she was okay. It was Kerry’s only priority.

The lounge door swung open and hit against the wall with the force she’d applied, and still Abby did not budge. She stood at the table in the center of the room, hands on the back of a chair, bent over and breathing deeply. It wasn’t until Kerry spoke her name aloud that Abby turned toward the sound. The two women stared into each other’s eyes, the weight of the situation settling heavily into the air. They had both seen the death and destruction that that man had caused in the past few hours. It seemed a miracle that the two women were standing on the other side of the rampage, physically unharmed.

Kerry broke down first. While she was certainly aware of situations like these being the cause for traumas they received, she had never witnessed it first-hand, much less been confronted with the potential loss of someone she… loved. It was that sudden realization that spurred her into action, crossing the room in a matter of seconds and throwing her arms around the other woman. Abby didn’t cry until she heard Kerry crying, bringing her arms up to settle around Kerry’s shoulders and rub her back soothingly.

They stood there for a few long moments, sinking into each other and the comfort that their beating hearts provided. Abby pulled back to look into Kerry’s eyes, reaching up to dry her tears at the same moment that Kerry moved to do the same. Both of their hands on each other’s faces, it was practically instinct. Abby met Kerry’s eyes as her thumb traced along her cheekbone, glancing down to her lips and back. Kerry’s breath hitched as Abby moved forward, but she met her halfway, their lips coming together in a kiss.

As they pulled back, Kerry rested her forehead against Abby’s, matching her breathing to hers once again. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “You’re okay.” It was unclear which woman she was referring to or which one she was trying to reassure, but they both felt comforted, nonetheless. With both of their eyes closed, Abby nudged Kerry’s nose with her own before bringing their lips together once again. Neither woman had felt as sure about anything in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EPILOGUE:
> 
> "... and on one late night, they might have banged."
> 
> To quote the brilliant article that @kerrysweaver wrote herself hahaha
> 
> So ends my version of ER Season 7! I tried to include as many canon plotlines as I could, while still placing them on an alternate path. Some of the casualties ended up being the complete omission of any Abby/Luka (although in this timeline I guess he didn't kill that guy, so that's good!) and I also ended up not including Kerry and Kim having an actual attempt at a relationship. I was trying so hard to work it in, but it obviously would have ended anyway as Abby/Kerry were the main focus, and it would have added a whole other lengthy chapter, so I ended up leaving it as I did (which is also why the "finale" is moved up by a couple months here.)
> 
> I also wanted to give the ending the same feel of a season finale but with a focus on my main ladies, so I figured I would combine Rampage with that season 9 episode when Lee Tergesen brings a gun into the hospital, and also the season 8 finale that ended on Abby and Carter kissing. Sorry to put them through that panic, but as Kerry says at the end, they're okay (and maybe they deal with it next season!)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and will leave me your thoughts if you have any!

**Author's Note:**

> (also I haven't posted to AO3 in a few years, so please forgive any wonky formatting that ends up happening...lol)


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